Gripe Quarter

Must you man?
Tap my emotions and look away?
Make words in instalments
Pausing passion across the day?
I rue the time ‘texting’ rolled in.
No gentle patter. No matter.
I crave your audience.
You fancy fucks, noh romance.
Think. Courtship. Perchance?

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From Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy

One of my favorite blogs – Barking up the wrong tree, has an entry I bookmarked to use for when I would go on a date. Here’s an excerpt from the hyperlink you didn’t click.

From Sam Gosling’s book, Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You:

Arthur Aron, a psychologist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, is interested in how people form romantic relationships, and he’s come up with an ingenious way of taking men and women who have never met before and making them feel close to one another. Given that he has just an hour or so to create the intimacy levels that typically take week, months, or years to form, he accelerated the getting-to-know-you process through a set of thirty-six questions crafted to take the participants rapidly from level one in McAdams’s system to level two. The questions are part of an hour-long “sharing game” in which each member of a pair reads a question out loud and then they both answer it before moving on to the next question.

I’m itching real bad to get the answers out of my system. So here’s to that prospective love whose synapses experience joy and wonder with everything I do.

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
*Anna Kendrick
2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?
*As a singer who does amazing jazz covers and maybe even new compositions
3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
*I have a general idea of the quirk factor. I like invading people’s lives and making them smile.
4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?
*Waking up with no guilt about anything, next to someone that I’m not overly fake around, having breakfast by the beach, playing an instrument or writing fiction, having yummy snacks and a beer in the evening, dancing in the night, followed by a joint and a movie with my love.
5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
*This morning, perfect two by Auburn. I think I sang when there was a power cut.
6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
*Physiologically, I’d like to have maximum neurons my brain would have. So I’d prefer the what is that word for sponge-like… anyway I wanna be able to have undiminished memory and alertness.
7. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
My partner likes Tina Fey, Jazz and being a family person.
8. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
*My parents
9. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
*Probably live in a city and spend summers in a village. I’d’ve had lots of music and dance lessons if I were raised in a city.
10. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
*Be super good at math without trying.
11. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
*How long will I be in reciprocated love?
12. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?
*Sing for an audience. I don’t know of any places other than karaoke to do it and that’s not something that counts for me.
13. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
*The people in my life and my relationships with them.
14. What do you value most in a friendship?
*Being able to be darker and truer than with most people.
15. What is your most treasured memory?
*Kissing this guy in my hostel. My first enjoyable french kiss and the best till date.
16. What is your most terrible memory?
*Being slapped by a policeman for picking a fight with a prostitute.
17. What does friendship mean to you?
*Being non-judgemental and supportive with a dose of calling out bad decisions. Laughing more than talking.
18. What roles do love and affection play in your life?
*Love gives me that temporary insane feeling that I don’t need to do anything anymore. I’m fulfilled. It also encourages me to get better. Affection keeps me positive and grateful and mindful.
19. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?
*My family is the best and the worst in the best ways possible. I genuinely believe that my childhood was happier and colorful than most other people’s.
20. Complete this sentence:”I wish I had someone with whom I could share…”
*His Girl Friday and a toothbrush.
21. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
*I’m a horny asexual.
22. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.
*I like that my partner is generous with his kisses and precise about what’s annoying him. Drives me around in traffic and simultaneously sings along with me.
23. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
*I once argued with my entire class that there was CO2 on the moon.
24. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
*I cried like a child in front of my twin a week ago. I injured my knee joint and it hurt pretty raw the first night.
25. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
*You not only laughed at my first joke with you, but kissed pretty immediately after.
26. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
*Mothers’ vaginas.
27. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
*Nothing. I’m good.

Solo vacay with Marihyuana

10th January 2015 had a semicircular moon and breeze that smelt like the familiar industrial dust when one of the apartments in your street is drilling for water.

I picked up food on the way home and was wondering how to spend the night.

  1. Maybe finally follow through with a coursera course I signed up for. Think Again: How to Reason and Argue.Maybe
  2. Practise scales
  3. Do 15 Suryanamaskaaras.Wait, I can’t do that at night. That’s disrespectful.

I came home and remembered I had some weed to partake of.

Made vegetable maggi without skimping on the cheese. Refilled a cigarette with pot and smoked up under the stars. Decided to vine the view from the penthouse but I have no video-editing skills. Also no vine account.

Cue zen in 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 20, 19, 18, okay.

Incandescence out. I lit several candles and selected the best of 8tracks stoned playlists for ambience.

I ate noodles before the onset of the munchies, coz that’s what the cookies are for.

It just felt vapid and aimless, drugging myself up on a week night. I decided to record my observations like the  great scientist I bragged I would become in the English composition exercise in class 4.

Green gems

  • You forget how close or far a thing is to your heart. The present is both here and distant like the past. The distance you take when you try to get a perspective feels as far as the past.
  • Symphonies pull you apart
  • Threads feel like feathers
  • Gravity is in all directions
  • Ne-Yo should be my mentor
  • I wonder what tasting Mayo in a road accident feels like
  • All the notes you give your memory fall into an abyss
  • Everything is just and has dignity
  • Chapathi is like a wheat omlette
  • You don’t know how long
  • I don’t ever want to have laundry

Noticing a conspicuous lack of wisdom in my jottings, I took to art and came up with this.

Doodle

Washed my face just cuz and thought of resuming my moisturizing regimen.

I began talking out loud to myself coz my thoughts weren’t loud enough for me to hear. In retrospect I realize I could’ve turned down the volume, but it was already pretty low and I was pretty high. Pretty soon I was hosting my own show.

So tonight we’re gonna use a cocktail cream. Aai have with me a Dermadev, sorry Dermadew, it’s in cursive, excuse me, my eyes aren’t what they used to be. A Dermadew Caloe lotion. SO! Place a coin-size drop of the Dermadew..what’s that?…haha very funny, no, not a 20 paise coin, can’t hexagon a liquid no, let’s do a 50 paise coin with the Dermadew from Hegde & hegde pharmaceutica-ah el el pee, that’s it, just like that, a calamine coin. AND onto that let’s get a drop of Neutrogena UltraSheer DRY-TOUCH SUNBLOCK SPF 50+. Now using only finger tips mix them up. This is a very simple process, you’ll know you’re done when the pink gets paler. There. We have a piggy pink crème ready for use. It’s fantastic on pale complexions and workable on brown skins. Don’t let that deter you! The key is how and how much you apply on your face, neck and décolletage. Just slather it on your face and work in slow upward circles.

At this point I paused to gauge the whole situation with my face, in the mirror. I looked like Dieyi from Farewell My Concubine. White blotches of cream stayed in my facial hair.

I was having a moment with myself and I was also two people. My mouth began a pep talk but what I heard was a dramatic monologue wrought with pathos and empathy.

This is it! I’m going to be the best version of myself. Pronto! Yes! And voila!  I’m ALREADY the best version of myself! I’m continuing to be the best version as I walk backwards and forwards.

My reflection was one with me in solidarity and spirit.

Now I’m going to give myself a snack for being the best me!

I put my limbs in vajrasana in front of the laptop and  ventured into elaborately chewing a Good day Choco-nut cookie or as my memory would like to call it – chocolate scrub for mon gums and teet. Three cookies and a swig of bottled coconut water after(which tasted like mountain springs btw), I was singing along to Simon and Garfunkel’s Song for the Asking, flubbing all the words and smiling like a goon.

Too mellow! too mellow!

Paused all music and time seemed to expand. Along with it this fissure in me began to grow and was sucking me right into it.

Youtubed Late late show full theme song.

Thank God!

Tomorrow’s just your future yesterday!

God bless Ferguson!

Fuck I have a client call early next morning.

Alarm set.

I pressed my aching feet and fell asleep to the happy Scottish man singing.

La textopornographie gai

Hey
Andrew
Heyyy
Missing you but hanging in there
(kiss smiley)
(blush smiley)
How are you today?
Lovesick then?
😉
I had an episode this morning thanks to you. If one could climax to romance that is.
I sound really clingy and pathetic.
Gimme a minute.
I’m back.
FYI, that’s not how I talk.
I don’t normally get all emotional and use words like lovesick.
🙂
Thanks
You’re more
(blush) They’re not red anymore, but you don’t have to stop
Reassuringly romantic
You’re a dream
What are you doing this weekend?
My sister is visiting
Will hang with her
Andrew, I saved our chat log from omegle last night
I treasure it
(kiss smiley)
Cooking lunch sweetie.
Do you like veg pulav?
It’s herb infused rice cooked in milk and has lots of veggies and peas
Come with
My kitchen
Smooches and pulav
(kiss smiley)
(four kiss smileys)
Awww.
Hugs tighter
Ahh
Imma high five your hard-on
And I’m loving it hard for you
Hugs you tighter and kisses your nipples
Kisses trailing south
Along your navel
Pecks on your spike
Sucks on your penis
Kisses you on the lips again
Sucks your dick all in
Holds it in for a heaven and a half minute
Squeezes your ass
I’m sucking you hard
Slurping and hugging my tongue around it
My lips are doing pilates on your mushroom
I’m teasing it crazy
Salt and sweet
Licking it dry
Oh but it doesn’t stop!
Taking all your gel in
Slicking my tongue tip on your dick slit
Grazing fingers against your pubic hair
Touching your balls
Oh I am!!
I yearn your cock
Holds your ass tighter
FUCK ME
Grabs your body harder
Sucking your face
Enter me Andrew!
Penetrate moi
Don’t wait any longer
Park it in there
For infinite picoseconds
I am tight forever for you
AAAAH
CUM IN ME!!!
FUCK ME HARDER
I don’t wanna let go of you
Don’t exit an inch off my ass
My asshole locks and frees you
Over and over
Warm it up
Flood it with your gelly
Andrew, don’t fall asleep 😉
Don’t go limp inside my end
Cum on in!
Discipline this dog
Kisses you back
Ah ah AAH
I’m licking it hard and kissing you back
Fuck me harder
Your dick looks so pleasy
I love your circumference with all my circle
You’re my hunky pig
That’s ravishing my rectum
Fuuuuuck
I grab your cock and make you fuck my mouth instead
Come creme
All in my mouth
Sucking it fiercely
Like my life depended on it
Cooooooooooomee!!!
Aaaaaaaahah
I love you Andrew
As are you
(five kiss smileys)
********1 hour later********
What’re you upto?
Yes please
(kiss smiley)
I did. Just after you.
You were spectacular
Damn right it was
Thank YOU
********1/2 hour later********
Andrew
I wanna hear your voice
********4 hours later********
Busy?
********2 hours later********
No kiss goodnight?
*********next evening********
You’re worrying me
********4 hours later********
Where were you!
Okay
I’m alright.
********3 hours later********
Andrew
********20 mins later********
Like I said before I wanna hear your voice
So how do we talk?
Why?
You don’t wanna be more?
I don’t like where this is going
Which is nowhere
Just cuz
You read my opening message on omegle
I want romance. I want love.
If it will never lead to something more, I think it’s just roleplay, not romance.
If it meant something to you you wouldn’t have abandoned me for a day without a word just after we’ve had amazing sex
See now I don’t know if you mean it. Anyway, I don’t wanna be dramatic or whatever but please tell me if you don’t want to be together. I know we’re only online. With me, I’m either all in or all out. You sound like you have your foot in the door.
I know we don’t know enough about each other and all that but I do desire progress.
I know that. So you think we hookup via text and greet each other like buddies.
That’s what we should do, right?
I can’t do that. I’m sorry.
I want us to be as real as we can get.
I told you.
I want to talk to you. I wanna ping you first thing I wake up and last thing before I go to bed. I wanna write long loving emails to you. Watch a movie simultaneously with you, though we’re far apart like in When Harry Met Sally.
I want you to worry, laugh, cry, fight with me.
I’m aware of that.
My goodnight messages will be in your evening
My morning messages will be your midnight. You can respond when you wake up.
Yeah, they’ll get red. 🙂 I like you
*hugs urgently*
Tell me though what bothers you about hearing my voice?
Or making me hear yours?
No. Come on, if you have a reason I wouldn’t see why not.
I’m not difficult
You think we’re moving fast.
Okay, I can understand that.
I won’t be thrilled
But I can understand
I dunno.
We’re very far
We’ll see
I’m listening
It’s better to be hurt early on and figure things out instead of marinating feelings
Coz that’ll hurt like a bitch.
Okay. So, but why is you being in India bad?
Do you know me?
Okay
Wanna start afresh?
You don’t?
Where are you from?
Are you a data analyst?
What do you do?
Whose picture is this?
Are you really 24?
Whose picture is this?
I know that.
I want to hear your voice now
Send me a voice message and I can decide how I feel about this whole situation
No, speak in whatever language but I need to hear you say it.
Why not?
Unless you have something more to hide?
Wow.
I feel like a fool
I truly do.
I earned this shitty feeling.
Being all emotional and vulnerable
ONLINE. Of all places!
No. Please don’t be.
I deserved this.
Okay. Have a good life.
Goodbye.

Sick Leave

to the hours of wasted sunlight

unwelcomed breeze

snug blankets and uncombed hair

6:30 am. I wish there was a gentler vibrato to my cellphone. Don’t wanna wake up to a miniature earthquake every morning.Snooze.

6:35 am. Alarm dismiss.

8:20 am. My phone sulking and silent, my stomach rumbles in a murmur, inaudible but persistent.

9:00 am. My gut feeling is an ultimatum. I first look at my palm, say a quick prayer quicker and rush into the kitchen. Pan. Water. Top Ramen. My laptop’s fan is humming like in heavy labor, while booting.

Live from New York, it’s Saturday  night!!!! I shut the door to my room, wrap myself in a blanket, lap my laptop up and eat out of the pan to my side watching Two worlds collide ft. Reba McIntire. 30 more minutes of SNL and I’m worried I’ll use the b-word again. Bored.  I untangle my headphones and settle in to watch an episode of 30 rock – TGS hates women.

10ish my conscience quivers, I have to be at work before 10:45. I call my team lead and channel my early morning raspy tone into a nasal sick imitation seeking a leave. Granted!

You ever have one of those days? When you don’t want to show up. You don’t want to meet/talk/interact with a single person. You wanna shun all form of responsibility or social nicety and personal hygiene. You wanna be by yourself and just be? Well, I was going through something like that for a week and finally took a sick leave.

There’s a theory about men that I propose. It’s incontrovertible. Just like a man itches to pee right after he’s cum masturbating, there are things that he HAS to do when alone. Like watching porn. I’m off to youporngay,com

Feeling spent and oddly aware of my body, I fall asleep in the semi-darkness.

Time flies only when you’re having fun or sleeping. I did both and it was soon noon.

Imogen heap sings someone’s calling. It’s Amma, asking what I was doing. I said I didn’t go to work coz I was feeling under the weather. She worries, offers kitchen medicine, tells me about my sisters and their kids. I aw appropriately. She hangs up, but not before lamenting about when she might hold her son’s son.

I log on to quora to find some gay questionnaire to anonymously answer. What is the hardest thing about being gay?

I finish venting my anguish, wait for a full second before I call my friend who I suspect asked the question and tell him to check it. He does and upvotes.

I call a dear dear friend to check it too. He answers, abiding by the gay cliche, with more feeling. I feel accomplished. You see, he’s married and happy and gay. He married under parental pressure and does love his wife. Calls himself a practising heterosexual with a gay history and sensibility. We’ve had many discussions peppered with ‘What if’s. Before getting engaged he always would say, that given a choice, he’d marry a man. Now, he doesn’t answer questions like that, out of respect to his wife. His one guilty pleasure? He still has a planetromeo id that he uses to know the scene. I tell him that he should cheat. He laughs me off saying he’s fulfilled. Which is the cue to my self-pity session. He was once gay, in a happy relationship, quits being gay, embraces the nooni, is once again happy. I still haven’t had a serious date so far, and am essentially sexually non-proficient.

Since all my gay peers are sexually active and I shoot faster than Usain bolt, I call a married middle-aged guy for a rendezvous. Let me explain. I feel less insecure when I’m with an older guy who knows that a non-weird gay that looks like me would never sleep with him. The sex is always bad, lurking on the absolute worst. I guess I do it just to know for a fact that during those few minutes, I am attractive (to someone), unlike how my mirror thinks of me. He comes and cums. I clean up in disgust. He wants to snuggle. I don’t. But out of respect to his age, I comply, he talks with his mouth on my mouth, I try to look away from the greys in his eyebrows.

“You put too much emphasis on sex. Sex is not everything. Being in a relationship is much more.”

“I know, it’s much more. But sex IS important and I suck at s/f-ucking. You can’t be in a relationship without having sex at all.”

“You have less time having sex and more time being with that person. That is important.”

I retort that that line will seal the deal. I can’t imagine courting someone and telling them, we shall not have awesome coitus, but, hey, we’ll be good lovers. I tell him I have a client call to take on skype and see him to the door.

I latch the door. Hear his heavy footsteps down the stairs and squirm. Remember that scene where Dominique francon does not want to take a shower after Roark had role-played rape with her, in the raw need to keep whatever molecules of his remained on her body, intact and with her? I had the exact opposite of that feeling and took a long shower.

Thus ends the love-hate relationship with myself for a day. The window on the top left of my room sneaks in a few golden beams of the setting sun. I walk out of my house, without my specs taking in the trees in blurry delight. Sit down on a park bench and eat Lays in peace. The sun sets and the mosquitoes aren’t shy.

Scratching, I get up. Back to my prison with the clothes, ID and the Debit card. Tomorrow’s a work day.

Looking for gay love on Omegle

Salad: I love all the three movies in the Before trilogy, but my favorite is the middle one. Before sunset had people who kept their romantic notions of love alive albeit beaten down by cynicism and duty. The love seemed earned and not too familiar to piece apart the appeal. As all romantic movies are made to be replicated in real life, I too wanted to exchange sentences with a lovely stranger promenading on a sidewalk in the afternoon light of Paris.

 Vinegar dressing on the side: I live in India and my city does not have a sidewalk ideal for a stroll and a conversation. I also don’t wear on my person abs that one can count, so I’m the guy with the words on Grindr or PlanetRomeo which gets me laid. All. The. Time. Obviously.

 Main course: Where can you captivate someone based on your personality sans your appearance? Omegle! The text version, of course. I’ve been on omegle before. I know that it’s a stream of erect men of various ages seeking orifices of women. But perseverance, also defined as the ability to keep pressing start no matter how many times you’ve been disconnected and called a dicklick or a fagatron, paid off and I made a couple of cool friends. This time, omegle would bring me the love of my life! So I logged onto omegle, typed Gay into my list of interests, clicked start and pasted my monologue from notepad to the first stranger I was connected to:

 I’m looking for romance. I want a guy who’s working, who reads fiction, knows how to swim (so he can teach me for kiss-coupons), appreciates smart comedy and is both frank and bashful. I know this might feel like a bit much and asking for this on omegle, ridiculous. I am taking my chances.

 PRESSed ENTER!

Stranger: My anaconda don’t want you.

Stranger has disconnected.

I promptly reconnected and repeated myself.

Stranger: U hav a dog? U ever touched a dog’s dick?

I disconnected and reconnected abluting myself of images of bestiality (I have a graphic brain). As if the universe operated by the comedic rule of three, this happened:

You: I’m looking for romance. I want a guy who’s working, who reads fiction, knows how to swim (so he can teach me for kiss-coupons), appreciates smart comedy and is both frank and bashful. I know this might feel as a bit much and asking for this on omegle, ridiculous. I’m taking my chances.

Stranger: Hahah im danny

You: Hi Dan 🙂

You: How old are you?

Stranger:  19

You: I’m 27

Stranger: Nice, What you into?

You: I’m into fiction, tv, indie movies

Stranger: I love suckingg cock

You: Oh, Danny, I don’t think you understand.

You: I said I was looking for romance. Not intercourse.

Stranger: Oh really and whats that?

Stranger: well maybe omegle was the wrongh place to put that, considering everyone on this website is looking for sex. Except you

You: See!? If there’s one of me, maybe there’s two of me and then maybe the two of me can meet!

Stranger: Goodluck!

Stranger: Not

Stranger has disconnected.

Dessert: I ended up chatting with a sweet charming kid. He’s 19. A Brit of Russian descent. I told him upfront that there could never be anything romantic between us because I am not what people call, a reverend. We both liked ‘The fountainhead’ for the right reason- the melodrama of a telenovela. He had apparently read the War and Peace, which I wanted to, but never got around to. I hung my head in shame for not having read any works in Sanskrit at all. We exchanged kiks after I created mine (non-teenagers are hereby informed that Kik is an instant messaging app). He was truly remarkable and I really liked him.

Loud burp: I went drinking with my buddies and sent him compromising smileys one of which has a heart emerging out of its mouth followed by my cheesy message reading- ‘I think you’re just like me. I think I’m falling for you.’ We survived that but the time-zone difference caught up with us. He took a nap the next day and I sent him far too many silly wake-up messages with an accompanying doodle not unlike the one Harvey Keitel wrote on Kate Winslet’s forehead in the movie Holy smoke – “Be kind”. He said I should meet someone around where I lived and removed me.

Sigh ending in a burp: I thought I should make a grand gesture by reading War and Peace and discuss its merits with him in a way to show how much I cherish his company. I downloaded the book on kindle and sent him a message asking if we could talk in say, 2 months rather than be completely cut-off from each other. I began reading the book until I wondered why he didn’t reply and googled this– How do I know if I’ve been blocked on kik?

Turned out he did block me.

I am still reading War and Peace.